Why is it that forgiveness seems the hardest thing for us to
accomplish? I feel like it is so easy to get angry at someone, but it becomes a
much harder process to forgive someone, especially when a wrong has been
committed against you. This weekend, I attended a wonderful retreat in the Blue
Ridge Mountains, and I had a lot of time to reflect on this topic. The theme of
the weekend was “Who do you say that I am?” which focuses on the question Jesus
asked of his followers. While reflecting on that idea, I had a lot of opportunity
to think about what Jesus says about forgiveness and why it is so hard for me
to forgive certain wrongs.
When I went through the RCIA process last spring, my group
never went through an official reconciliation. The priest who led it needed
surgery, and while we talked about it in class, we never physically went
through the process. This weekend, I went to my first confession, which has me
talking about the topic of forgiveness. I was really nervous about going to
confession, and my friend Danielle ended up sitting with me for over an hour
while I waited for my turn to meet with the priest. She and my other friend,
Sara, helped explain how the process went and what kind of things to talk
about. I knew instantly what I needed to talk about, and that perhaps made me
even more nervous.
My biggest struggle is forgiveness. I find it hard to
forgive people who have hurt me or the people that I love. I have carried
resentment for people, and I knew for someone in particular, I have been
harboring a lot of resentment. I had a very difficult relationship with a
former roommate. She and I didn’t see eye to eye on practically anything, and
it caused a lot of friction and hurt feelings for a lot of people. She said
things to me that were designed to be hurtful. She said things that were untrue
and her actions did not always live up to the words that she spoke. We argued a
lot, and fought like children over stupid things. I think it is important to
note that I was not the perfect roommate either, but she left me feeling
incredibly bitter against ever living with people again. I carried these
feelings into my new community, where I was once again a roommate living with
virtual strangers. It was hard for me to move on from what had happened in the
past year. It was hard for me to learn to trust my new roommates because I was
afraid of a repeat of events.
I struggled with forgiveness because I struggled with trust.
I was angry at my old roommate because I felt like she was the reason I couldn't
move on. I thought she was the reason I had to lock my door when I left, or
when I was hesitant to watch television with my new community. The anger turned
into resentment, which made it even harder to forgive past actions.
So on Saturday night, shivering together on a porch, I
talked to Fr. Peter about these feelings. I told him how anger and resentment
made it hard to forgive my former roommate. I told him I felt that not being
able to forgive past wrongs made me feel like I couldn't move forward in my new
community, which in turn made me even more against forgiveness.
Having that discussion was one of the best things that could
have happened to my weekend. Fr. Peter and I talked about the concept of
forgiveness, and that sometimes it takes time. He told me maybe the reason I
cannot yet forgive her is because it is not time yet, and that it is okay. He
told me to pray for her, and to pray for myself. Anger is a normal human
emotion that we all feel at some point. Eventually, I will forgive her, and I
will know when the time is right. Already, it has begun to work. I pray for her
every night, and I pray for myself. I pray that she is doing well with what she
is doing with her life now, and I pray for myself to find peace in my heart. I
pray for my own vocation and my students and my new community. I pray that I
will eventually be able to completely forgive what has hardened my heart and
that I can fully open up with my new roommates.
Fr. Peter told me to pray and reflect on the “Our Father”.
He told me that Jesus was a teacher, and this is what he taught his disciples.
It put me in a better place as a teacher and as a member of a religious community.
I am still learning to let God and others forgive my trespasses as I learn to forgive
those who have trespassed against me.
It’s a journey, but what is important to remember is that I
am not in this journey alone. I have to trust in God’s timing, not my own. So
who is Jesus to me? What would I say if he asked me “Who do you say that I am?”
Jesus is my teacher. He is my community member and my
friend. He is my confidant. He is the one patiently standing on the stoop when
I shut the door on Him. He is beauty and forgiveness and time.
