Thursday, October 9, 2014

The Struggle is Real...?

It's strange to log in, thinking only a few weeks have passed, when it's actually been close to two months. This blog has lain dormant as well as my journals, and most social media accounts. I feel like an early winter is settling in on me and I am content to wrap myself up in a blanket and watch life go by.

But- I know that's not what is allowed to happen.

The ever popular term "The Struggle is Real" has always been applied to simple things online. The struggle is when you run out of mascara or your favorite coffee flavor is gone or the printer is out of ink. However, I've begun to feel as if "the struggle is real" in my own life.

I haven't fundraised any money for the JDRF this year, and I didn't register to walk this October, for the first time since 2007. And I am so tired! I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually drained. I feel less compelled than ever to try and get passionate for a cause that other people won't support. I am tired of spending hours and hours planning for an event that everyone blows off every. single. year. Family, friends. No one has shown up since 2008. And I am tired.

I could throw one hell of a pity party right now, and the temptation has been strong to do just that. I am tired of school and I see May, not as a beacon of hope on the horizon, but as a date just out of my grasp. It's the first time I haven't been in love with school. The first time I am looking forward to being done. And it's not me.

The crawl into a ball and wait for life to pass is not me, but over the past few months, that's who I have felt like. And I am trying to see the sun- push the hair out of my eyes, open the blinds, and blink into the glare- but it just hasn't happened yet.

So, I guess the struggle is real. I am struggling to see the beauty not only around me, but in myself. It's a little bit more than mascara and coffee and printer ink. But I'm not sure what.